“Time doesn’t heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to let go.”

― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

There comes a point in life where it feels that “enough is just enough”. Be it a chronic illness, a stressful job or work environment, a toxic relationship, a loveless marriage or just a repetitive negative cognitive pattern, in the long run the more it is held on to , the more it seeps into the deepest core of our being. The cliche term “let it go”, is one that is used and re-used by countless books and self help advocates. But anyone who’s given a proper go at doing this knows how difficult and daunting a task this can be.

Overtime people tend to build little comfort zones in and around them. Even that abusive relationship or the toxic work culture becomes a safe comfort zone if it is held on to for a certain period of time. The familiar behavioural patterns, verbal and non verbal communications and learned responses all become a habitual way of living until it starts to feel normal. somewhere down the line, one may even experience cognitive dissonance where their thinking and behaviour will be in-congruent causing them extreme discomfort.

A concept investigated by Leon Festinger, cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviours. Living in a constant crisis & stressful situation can put anyone at risk of experiencing this form of psychological distress. As a measure to reduce their discomfort and restore mental homeostasis, a person will alter her attitudes and behaviours to adapt (or settle into) to the current situation which has become a comfort zone to her. For example, a woman living with an abusive spouse or partner will eventually come to believe that she somehow deserves the verbal, physical, emotional or sexual assault that she is constantly subject to and the perpetrator is correct in doing what he is doing. This makes it all the more difficult for someone to break away from this vicious cycle.

Also in most cases it may not be practically possible for someone to just leave these toxic situations. Employment provides the means and financial strength that is required for living. Thus, even though a job may be stressful, a person will find it impractical to leave without securing another mode of income. A person living in a loveless and demeaning marriage will find it hard to walk away when looking at the bigger picture which involves children and societal constrains. In such situations, what does it mean to just let go..

Breath-work is something that I personally find extremely helpful in letting go of toxic and negative situations. Just breathing, until the anger, frustration, grief, and any other negative thoughts that consume and drains you loses its intensity. The baby steps to mentally letting go starts here. This creates the space necessary to experience each moment exactly as it is with all its imperfections. When the self is made to experience each thought, emotion and bodily sensation, it paves the way to generate self love that has become a bare necessity in today’s world. This self love in tern helps a person to realise the cognitive dissonances that they’ve been harbouring and even nurturing for most of our adult lives.

As simple as it may sound, this will involve some of the hardest work a person will have to carry out in their lifetime. Hardest but the most rewarding because it is a journey of self discovery as it enables a person to find what is really important in their lives and the values that actually resonates with their truest selves.

The journey of letting go ( physically, materially, emotionally, mentally or otherwise) of that which no longer serves you, starts with this simple but profound realisation.

Author: Ms. Namal Avanthi Jayasinghe – Psychological Counselor/ Doctoral Candidate.